"YOU SUFFER BECAUSE YOU ARGUE WITH WHAT IS" (AND WHY "IT IS WHAT IT IS" CAN ACTUALLY SET YOU FREE
- She Uprising
- Jan 17
- 3 min read
There's a quote that often stops people in their tracks: "You suffer because you argue with what is." At first glance, it can feel harsh. Almost dismissive. As if pain is your fault for not "letting go" quickly enough.
But this isn't about blaming yourself.
It's about understanding why some pain lingers longer than it needs to - and how relief can begin, even when nothing externally changes. PAIN VS SUFFERING (THEY ARE NOT THE SAME)
Pain is inevitable. Loss. Disappointment. Betrayal. Exhaustion. Grief. These are part of being human.
Suffering, however, is what happens when your nervous system is still fighting reality long after the moment has passed. Pain says:
"This hurts." Suffering says: "This shouldn't be happening." When we argue with what is, our bodies stay in a state of tension - bracing, replaying, resisting, trying to undo what has already occurred.
This resistance is exhausting. SO WHAT DOES "IT IS WHAT IT IS" REALLY MEAN?
Used carelessly, "it is what it is" can sound cold or dismissive.
But when spoken from a regulated place, it can actually be an act of self-compassion.
It does not mean:
you approve of what happened
you agree with it
you excuse harmful behaviour
you abandon boundaries
It means this:
"This is real. I don't like it - but I don't need to fight reality anymore." That shift matters more than we realise.
WHY ACCEPTANCE BRINGS RELIEF
Your brain is wired to predict, prevent, and protect.
When something unexpected or painful happens, it often goes into overdrive:
replaying conversations
analysing every detail
asking why again and again
searching for control
Acceptance sends a different message to the nervous system:
"No further action is required right now."
This doesn't erase the pain -
but it removes the extra layer of suffering that comes from resistance.
This is why people often feel a subtle weight lift when they finally accept something, even if the situation itself remains unchanged. ACCEPTANCE IS NOT GIVING UP
This part matters. Acceptance is not resignation. It's not passivity.
It's not tolerating harm.
You can accept reality and still choose:
boundaries
distance
change
self-protection
Acceptance simply means you stop arguing with what already exists - so you can respond from clarity rather than reactivity.
WHEN "IT IS WHAT IT IS" BECOMES HEALING
There are two very different versions of this phrase.
Dissociative acceptance
"Whatever. I don't care." (Feelings are shut down.)
Grounded acceptance
"This hurts. And it's real. And I don't need to fight it anymore. (Feelings are allowed to move.)
Healing lives in the second version.
A GENTLE REFRAME
Acceptance isn't saying: "This is okay."
It's saying:
"I don't need to fight reality in order to be okay."
That isn't weakness. That's wisdom.
And often, that's the moment the body finally exhales.
IF YOU'RE NOT THERE YET - THAT'S OKAY
Acceptance can't be forced.
It arrives when your system feels safe enough to stop bracing.
If you're still angry, grieving, confused, or resistant -
that doesn't mean you're doing healing "wrong."
It means something inside you still needs to be seen and validated.
Healing isn't about rushing.
It's about listening.
A QUESTION TO SIT WITH
Instead of asking: "Why cant' I let this go?"
Try asking:
"What part of me is still trying to protect me?" That question alone can soften a lot.
CLOSING THOUGHT
Sometimes the most powerful healing moment isn't forgiveness or clarity.
Sometimes it's simply this:
"This is what is - and I choose to stop fighting myself over it."
And from there, something gentler begins.
DISCLAIMER
This article is shared for reflection and personal insight only. It is not intended as medical, or mental health advice.
If you are navigating something that feels heavy or overwhelming, support from a qualified professional can make a meaningful difference.
Comments