PEOPLE-PLEASING: WHEN KEEPING THE PEACE COSTS YOU YOUR SELF

People-pleasing is often spoken about as a "bad habit" to break or a behaviour to fix. But for many people, it's not a flaw - it's a strategy. A way of staying connected. A way of staying safe. A way of keeping the peace when, at some point, that felt necessary. This article isn't about labelling yourself or forcing change. It's about understanding the pattern with curiosity, compassion, and context.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY "PEOPLE-PLEASING?" People-pleasing is a relational pattern that may include: • prioritising others' comfort or needs over your own • saying yes when something inside you wants to say no • avoiding conflict, disappointment, or disapproval • feeling responsible for how others feel • minimising your own needs, opinions, or boundaries For many, this happens automatically - not because they lack confidence or self-worth, but because this way of relating was learned early and reinforced over time. WHY PEOPLE-PLEASING OFTEN MAKES SENSE People-pleasing doesn't develop in isolation.

It often forms in environments where: • harmony felt safer than honesty • approval felt necessary for connection • expressing needs led to tension, withdrawal, or overwhelm • adapting yourself helped relationships feel more stable From this lens, people-pleasing isn't weakness - it's adaptation. At some point, it may have helped you belong, feel accepted, or reduce emotional risk. HOW THIS PATTERN CAN FOLLOW US INTO ADULTHOOD As adults, people-pleasing can quietly shape our lives in ways we don't always notice at first. It may look like: • difficulty setting or holding boundaries • feeling guilty for resting or choosing yourself • chronic over-giving or emotional exhaustion • resentment that stays unspoken

• losing touch with what you actually want or need Over time, this cost isn't just tiredness - it can be a gradual disconnection from your own inner voice.

FROM "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" TO "WHAT HAPPENED HERE?" Instead of asking, "How do I stop people-pleasing?" You might gently explore questions like: • When did I learn that keeping others comfortable mattered more than being honest? • What feels unsafe about disappointing someone? • Who did I need to be in order to stay connected? • What parts of me have learned to stay quiet or agreeable? These aren't questions to rush or force answers to. They're invitations to notice, not to fix.

AWARENESS BEFORE ACTION Understanding your patterns doesn't mean you need to change everything at once - or at all. Often, awareness is the first meaningful shift: • noticing when you override yourself • recognising the familiar pull to manage others • pausing before automatically saying yes • "becoming curious rather than self-critical From awareness, choice slowly becomes possible. WHEN EXTRA SUPPORT CAN BE HELPFUL If people-pleasing feels connected to: • ongoing anxiety or overwhelm • relational distress or burnout

• past experiences of trauma • difficulty functioning day-to-day It may be supportive to work with a qualified mental health professional or trained practitioner who can offer care within their scope of practice. Learning and insight are powerful - and sometimes deeper support is also needed. A GENTLE REFRAME TO HOLD You are not broken because you people-please. You adapted in a way that made sense. And with understanding, compassion, and support, new ways of relating - to others and to yourself - can gradually unfold. DISCLAIMER This article is offered as personal reflection and educational insight. It is not intended as therapeutic, psychological, or medical advice, nor a substitute for professional support.